This past weekend the Husband and I went to the new Harmons grocery store down the street. I have to say, its pretty much incredible. Any grocery store that also has an in house gelato bar AND date night cooking lessons will have me as a patron in a delicious low-fat heart-beat.
Our real purpose of our Harmons outing was to check out the new digs, but while we were enjoying a cheese sampling with our artisan bread we decided to pick up a few groceries.
We made our way to the dairy aisle (at which point we also sampled fresh strawberries in cream). I reached for our go-to milk of choice - Fat Free. Suddenly, the man standing next to me strikes up a conversation:
Man: What kind of milk have you got there?
Me: Uhhh.... (showing him my milk)
Internal Me: Who the h*!# are you?
Man: Oh no. You need the good stuff, go for the 2%.
Me: Heh heh (nervous laugh).
Internal Me: I'll buy whatever milk I want to buy.
Man: Why aren't you getting the good stuff? Oh, I know, you're watching your weight.
Me: ..... (silence).....
Internal Me: EXCUSE ME?!?!?! I mean, yes, but... what's it to you? And what gave it away? My spare tire? The love handles? The chubby arms? My thunder thighs?!
Man: Have you had any kids?
Me: Uh.. no.
Internal Me: WHAT?! Are you asking me because you think I look like I've had kids? Who are you again?
Man: Well, you know, everything changes when you have kids. Your whole body changes when you have kids.
Me: Ha ha... yeah...
Internal Me: Ha ha... yeah....
Man: You know, both of my daughter have both had kids and they're both really skinny. Here let me show you a picture.
At this point the man flips out his wallet and proceeds to find pictures of both of his daughters (note, the pictures were those senior picture glamour shots... from the 80's. I found it sad that he didn't have a more recent photo of his children).
Man: See, this one here has had four kids, and his one has had three. Want to know how they keep their figures?
Me: Um.. sure.
Internal Me: Why is this happening to ME???
Man: They both run. In fact, they've both run half marathons. That keeps you in great shape. You can eat whatever you want when you run, even 2% milk if you like.
Me: Yeah.... I guess cardio is the trick.
Internal Me: Thanks for the advice, man I've never met before in my life. I will definitely take your words of wisdom to heart. (Ooozing with sarcasm here friends).
By this time, the Husband has noticed that I have been spending WAY too much time in the dairy aisle and he has come to save me. Seeing that I am deep in conversation with a strange middle aged man (which honestly is not that uncommon) he stands patiently next to me while I finish up the conversation.
Man (to the Husband): Oh, is this your wife?
The Husband: Yeah.
Internal Me: SAVE me Husband!!!! Prove that you love me and save me from this most awkward of situations.
Man: Well, you're one lucky man. (Said with a wink and a smile).
The Husband: Ha ha... yeah, I am.
Internal Me: SOS!!!!
Man: Well, Happy Mothers Day!
Me: Thanks.
Man: Oh wait, you're not a mother yet, are you?
Me: Uh....
(I this point I am so flustered with the whole situation, I just starting saying things... don't judge.)
Me: ... Uh..... No, but I have a mom. Does that count?
Man: (FINALLY sensing the awkwardness of the situation) Yeah, I guess.
Then we went our separate ways.
So, here is the questions... What was that man thinking?!? I was beside myself, I am STILL beside myself. What a completely bizarre situation.
What's worse is that I left the grocery store feeling like a beached whale. I honestly drink Fat Free milk because I like how it tastes (odd, I know). But, maybe I should pay more attention to what I'm eating... maybe I need to work out even MORE.
On the drive home, I confessed my insecurities to the Husband.
Me: Do you think that guy was right? Do I need to watch my weight?
The Husband: Babe, I've been watching your weight lately, and its never looked better! (said with a wink and a smile.. and a suggestive eyebrow raise).
Me: Hey! (To be said as if saying "You and your filthy mind")
Internal Me: Best. Husband. EVER!!!!
3 comments:
Just found your blog (Facebook newsfeed), and laughed and laughed. Your internal dialog sounds too much like mine. :)
THis whole situation completely creeps me out.
you had WAY more patience with that man then I ever, ever, ever could. CREEPY.
And you're beautiful. You have to know that. If you don't know that. THere is no hope for the rest of us. P.S. April and I might want to use you as a model again soon. You in?
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