This Body

I really want to keep backlogging on my blog… but the problem is, there seems to be so much to tell and too little time to tell it in.  So, I am now taking a break from back logging to get you all updated on the current stuff.

First of all (because I left things on such a cliff hanger), The Husband’s eyesight is doing well now… no tumor, no crazy weird disease, no MS (you can now sleep at night).  Also, I am still very much pregnant, so you don’t need to worry about that either. 

Today my mind has been racing a million miles a minute.  This is what my thought process looks like:

Baby Nursery

Chocolate

Hypnobirthing

Baby Hiccups

Wedding Cake

Clean the House!

Laundry :(

I want to read that book…

Nap Time?

Blog

Chocolate

Must Eat Healthy

Elton John

Kittens!!

My biggest problem is that when I get home from work I have absolutely no desire to do the things I NEED or even WANT to do… and instead end up doing what my body wants me to do… take a nap, for example.

My body also likes to go to the bathroom 50 times a day.  I’m also pretty sure my body doesn’t like sleeping at night, because I can never seem to get comfortable these days, thanks to my body.  My body loves to crave spicy foods, and when I cave in to those spicy food cravings, my body enjoys giving me heartburn.

When my body does let me sleep, it likes getting Charlie Horses in the middle of the night.  It also must HATE clothes, because I cannot seem to fit into any anymore.

This body… what a piece of work.

Really though… our bodies are amazing.

When you are in your third trimester of pregnancy (or in ANY trimester, really), it is easy to complain about your body.  But lets take a moment to ponder what a miracle our bodies really are.

Our bodies can breathe without us telling them to.

Our heart (an essential part of our body), can pump blood though our body without us telling it to.

Our bodies tell us when they need to be fed and watered.

Our bodies can experience things around us through sight, smell, taste, hearing and touch.

Our bodies are constructed with strong muscles and bones that allow us to run and walk and play.

Our bodies are covered with lovely skin that protects us.

Our bodies can even (though it really is a miracle) help create and grow another body.

Our bodies are amazing.

Our bodies are beautiful.

It is so easy to harp on our bodies, only see their imperfections.  Sometimes when I see my naked body staring back at me in the bathroom mirror, I want to run and hide.  It is hard to see the good in our bodies…. But there IS good.

So, here’s the deal.  When you look at yourself in the mirror each day, try to find at least one positive thing about your body to combat the bad.  I’ve been trying it, and honestly, its getting harder and harder for me to focus on the negative.  My body rocks, and so does yours.

A Rare Bird

One Saturday, at the very end of April, when I was still pretty freshly pregnant, The Husband asked me to make an eye appointment for him.  (Word to the wise – most husband’s love it when they can treat you like their personal secretary... at least mine does).  I asked him if he could wait until Monday.  The Husband explained that his eyes had been bothering him for about a week and he needed a new prescription ASAP.   So, I made him an appointment at the Optometrist in the mall and sent him on his way.

I had a baby shower to go to that day (for my cousin).  When I finally got home later that afternoon I asked The Husband if he was able to get a new prescription.  He explained to me that the eye doctor wasn’t able to help him because there was something wrong with his actual eye, NOT his prescription.  The Optometrist made him an appointment with an on call Ophthalmologist.  In case there is anyone out there who has no idea what the difference is between an Ophthalmologist and an Optometrist… here is a brief run down:

Ophthalmologist = medical doctor (M.D.) who specializes in eye and vision care for the full spectrum of the eye

Optometrist = licensed health care professional (doctor of optometry, not an M.D.) who provides eye care services, such as prescribing glasses and contacts

So, The Husband had planned to meet with this on call Ophthalmologist around 5:00pm.  I was planning on sending him on his way by himself, but he asked me to join him.  As we’re driving to the doctor’s office The Husband (who was in the driver’s seat) was asking me things like “Can you read any of these street signs?” and “Can you tell if that light is red or green?”… It was at this point in time that I started to get nervous.

Let me first preface this by saying that I have never been to an Ophthalmologist, and I have only been to an Optometrist once in my life.  So, watching The Husband get an eye exam was kind of new and exciting for me to witness.

The doctor met us in front of his office.  He was very friendly and I immediately felt we were in good hands.  During the eye exam the doctor started flashing letters up on the screen for The Husband to read.  This part of the exam was hilarious and very sad at the same time.  These letters were HUGE, I mean they were GIGANTIC, and the poor Husband couldn’t read them.  At one point when one of the biggest letters was flashed on the screen all by itself The Husband said “Definitely an E”… it was an “M”.  I was struggling to hold back laughter.  I could tell The Husband was clearly frustrated.  I was also thanking my lucky stars that we had made it safely to the doctor’s office… a blind man had driven us there.

The doctor then put some red dye in The Husband’s eye and peered though his eyes with these funny little glasses and a magnifying glass.  I was really having a hard time stifling my giggles.  It just looked so funny, I felt so lucky to be viewing these events first hand… first class entertainment!

Finally the doc finished his exam.  “Well,” he said, in a very serious voice (with slightly dramatic undertones) “it looks like you have a swollen Optic nerve.”

Crickets.

I think The Husband and I were supposed to have a dramatic reaction at that point in time… but we had no idea what a swollen optic nerve was supposed to mean to us, let alone what the purpose of an optic nerve actually was (so it's a nerve that connects to the eye… so what?).

The doctor could obviously sense our lack of medical knowledge by our reaction.  So, he continued:

“You see, the optic nerve carries messages from the eye to the brain.  When the nerve is swollen, you are unable to see because those messages are unable to be sent properly.”

Ok… so he had a swollen optic nerve, nothing a little ice pack couldn’t fix, right?  Then the doc started dropping bombs on us:

“There are two reasons why you would have a swollen optic nerve.  Either there is an extreme amount of pressure in your brain caused by some sort of a mass, or you have Optic Neuritis.”

My jaw hit the floor on the “mass in the brain” part, little did I know that was the least of my worries.  The doc continued:

“Now, if it IS Optic Neuritis, that opens a whole other can of worms.  Optic Neuritis is most often caused by Multiple Sclerosis, but it could be caused by anything from Lupus, Lyme disease, West Nile Virus, Meningitis, Rubella, the list goes on and on, really.”

At this point the doc told us he had never seen a case like The Husband’s before and he needed to go look some things up in his books and on the internet for a bit.  He left us alone in the exam room. 

After a few minutes of silence, The Husband and I burst into laughter.  It was one of those “laugh or cry” moments.  We had cried way too much in the previous months… the laughing was therapeutic.

I told The Husband about his letter “E” misdiagnosis and we laughed even harder.  “I was guessing on everything else, but I could have sworn that was an E,” he laughed.

We settled down just in time for the doctor to come back in. 

“You are just a rare bird”, he told The Husband.  He used the term “rare bird” close to 10 times that day.  Truthfully I had never heard the term “rare bird” before, so this added to my urges to laugh again.

It was determined that The Husband needed an MRI to rule out a brain tumor, a spinal tap to rule out Multiple Sclerosis, and plenty of blood tests to rule out everything else.  The Husband was thrilled.

Something you should know about The Husband…. He hates hospitals.

"So, is this something we can schedule for Monday?" I asked.

"Oh no," the doc stated very emphatically, "this needs to be done immediately, if we wait until Monday, it could be too late."

The doc then told us the worst news of all:

“These tests may all come back negative… we may never know what is causing this.  I’m just hoping that we can treat it… and hopefully it won’t come back.”

With that we headed over to the hospital to begin a night full of fun in the Emergency Room.... all thanks to my "rare bird" of a husband.

To be continued…

Preventative Maintenance

A small break from back logging to share a little story from this weekend:  First of all, if you know anything about me, you will know that I have a very special/strange relationship with food. 

For instance, when eating a meal, I can only eat one dish at a time.  I must finish that dish before moving on to the next.  If my plate is filled with roast beef, mashed potatoes, salad and steamed vegetables… I will start eating my salad first and cannot move on to the next dish until my salad is gone.  Once I finish the salad, I move on to the veggies.  Once the veggies are finished, the mashed potatoes.  Etc, etc, etc.  (Oh and the meat part of the dish is always to be eaten last, obviously).

Also, if I decide on a certain food to eat (because I’m influenced by TV or otherwise), I will NOT be satisfied until I actually eat said food.  I will make the lives of everyone who stands in my way of getting the food that is on my mind miserable until my task is accomplished. 

For example, last week I was watching Jacques Pepin make a delicious Bean and Bacon soup on TV.  Suddenly I was overcome with this out of control desire to eat Bean and Bacon soup ASAP.  I kept thinking about how nice Bean and Bacon soup would taste on a cool summer evening, the crisp summer air paired with the warm soupy beans.  It was all I could think about.  That Bean and Bacon soup was calling my name!  Unfortunately we had no Bean and Bacon soup in the pantry.  So, I started to get ornery.  I stewed (no pun intended) for about an hour, wishing and hoping that the Bean and Bacon soup would magically appear on my dinner table.  But… it didn’t.  So finally, I made The Husband take me to the store to purchase some good ol’ Campbells Bean and Bacon… and then I was happy.

To add to this, if I have bought myself something to eat (something that I’ve been craving) and it gets eaten by someone else… I absolutely lose my marbles.  I’m very protective of my food, ok?  The Husband has learned this and always, ALWAYS, asks before eating something I’ve bought at the store… or before eating leftovers in the fridge.  He knows he’s in for it if he doesn’t ask first.

Also, if I don’t get fed on a regular basis, I turn into a monster.  Call it hypoglycemia, call it insulin resistant… I call it normal.

The Husband, who knows me very well, has learned all of these things about me.  He does not like having a monster for a wife, so he is very careful to watch for the warning signs of when I’m about to “turn”. 

On Saturday we were out running errands for a large part of the day.  As we were on our way from DI to Home Depot, the Husband suddenly turned to me and said, “We need to get you something to eat”.  “But I’m not hungry”, I protested.  The Husband then explained to me the following:

“I know that you’re not hungry now, but you will be very soon, and I don’t like you when you’re hungry.  Think of this as preventative maintenance… like an oil change.  You change your oil on a regular basis as preventative maintenance, to make sure something bad doesn’t happen to your car.  You don’t wait until your car breaks down or starts getting a knock in the engine to get it checked out.  Honey, I’m feeding you right now as preventative maintenance… an oil change of sorts”.

His argument made so much sense, it was hard to get mad at him for saying it.  So, we went to get something to eat.  Preventative Maintenance.  I married a very smart man.

The Husband Knows Best

When I say that I never wanted to get pregnant again, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to have a baby.  It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see my belly grow and expand to accommodate a little fetus.  It wasn’t because I didn’t want to raise a child.  It was for a very selfish reason.  I never wanted to get pregnant again, because I didn’t want to experience that heartbreak and loss I felt with my miscarriage… EVER again.

Of course I still yearned for a baby.  I was still envious of every woman I saw with an adorable baby bump.  But my need to protect my emotions trumped those feelings and so I was determined to never get pregnant again.

But… here’s the thing.  I’m married to this wonderful man.  He is a true man’s man (likes to shoot guns, watch and play sports, work with his hands)… but he is also very sensitive and in-tune spiritually.  So when I told him my plans of never getting pregnant again, he gave me that ‘you’re a crazy woman’ look and said “We’ll see”.

Then, one day (in March), the Husband sat me down.  “I think you need to get back on fertility drugs,” he told me.  I now looked at him like he was insane.  “It hasn’t been long enough,” I protested, “I haven’t healed yet, emotionally.”  The Husband took me by the hand and looked me in the eyes, “I know,” he said, “but I really feel like this is what we need to do.”  His words were so sincere and thoughtful; I just couldn’t bring myself to rebuff his request.  I knew, deep down in my heart, that what he was suggesting was a good thing…. Crazy… but good.

So, I called my doctor’s office and told them I needed to start another round of “The Steps”.  Although it was pointless, I had already taken a pregnancy test.  With the negative pregnancy test, I was given a prescription for progesterone.

Because I was such a pro at this point, I knew that I would be starting my cycle within 3 days of taking the progesterone.  I took the first dose on March 21^st.  We spent that weekend up at my family’s cabin in Island Park.  We had a great time snowshoeing and playing games with family.  I didn't feel very well that whole trip.  I found myself feeling constantly tired, exhausted even.  I found myself resisting all food, just the thought of food made me sick.  When I still hadn’t started my cycle after 3 days of progesterone, I was convinced there was something wrong with the dose.

On Monday, March 26^th, it had been 6 days since I had started taking the progesterone.  I couldn’t figure out what was happening.  Finally, halfway through the day, it occurred to me that I could (maybe, just possibly) be pregnant.  I rushed home and took a pregnancy test.

Positive.  I was pregnant.

It was like my fondest dreams and worst nightmares were coming to fruition at the same time.  I took a picture of the test and texted it to The Husband with the words “I guess this means we’re pregnant”.

At the cabin... pregnant and I didn't even know it.

 

Two weeks later I went in for a doctor’s visit.  I was seven weeks along at the time and I was able to see my wee babe, heart beat and all, moving around on the ultrasound screen like a maniac.  It was a miracle.  Somehow I had managed to get pregnant without the help of fertility drugs.  My little ovaries had done the job all by themselves.  My doctor explained that I had taken the progesterone at the exact right time for it to sustain my pregnancy, which otherwise would have most likely failed.

Isn’t that incredible?  This is why I believe The Husband knows best.  Had he not been prompted to have us start “The Steps” when we did, I may have had another miscarriage.

Obviously, I was still very nervous about the pregnancy.  I was certain at any moment my baby’s heart would stop beating.  Because of this, it was very difficult for me to be excited about my pregnancy. Finally pregnant and not a bit excited.  Irony at its finest.

Look Fear in the Face

I’ve had this quote hanging up in my office for several years now and it is one of my favorites. Something about it just seemed to strike a chord with me today, so I wanted to share it with you.  Hope it empowers you as much as it does me.