I know there are a MILLION lists like this out there… but I
wanted to make one of my own.
I do want to preface this list by saying that:
a. If you happened to say one of these things to me, I
promise I am not holding a grudge and most likely I’ve forgotten that you
specifically said this to me.
b. I know that no one ever says these things with ill
intentions. Most of the time you are
sincerely trying to make your beloved friend/sister/co-worker feel better about
her situation or you don’t know what to say, thus word vomit, OR you don’t even
know the person you said this to is struggling with infertility.
Things NOT to Say to Those Struggling With Infertility
-
“Just watch my kids for a day, they’re great
birth control”
o
There is no way on this earth that watching
someone else’s kids is going to make me not want one of my own, no matter how
bad they are. If anything it will make
me think, “If these were MY kids, I’d teach them manners…. Why can’t I have my
own kids to teach manners to?!”
-
“I’m sure it will all work out in due time”
o
You don’t REALLY know whether it will “all work out”. Plus, unless you are my doctor, you are
probably the least qualified person to tell me this information.
-
“Have you tried or thought about (fill in the
blank)?” EX. Invitro? Adoption? Standing on your head after sex? Drinking such and such concoction? Checking his sperm count? Etc, etc, etc….
o
Whatever we may or may not have tried or thought
about is first and foremost none of your business. Also, I’m pretty sure if we haven’t tried or
considered whatever it is you’re suggesting, there is a reason why.
-
“Are you guys ever going to have kids?”
o
Thanks for the reminder of what we don’t have.
-
“You just need to de-stress/forget about it and
THEN it will happen.”
o
It is impossible NOT to stress or to forget
about getting pregnant when you have strict instructions to follow each
month.
-
“Being a mom is such a hard job, you’re so lucky
you don’t have kids”
o
This comment makes me so sad. While I have no doubt that being a mom is
hard work, I look at having children as a major blessing, so, in my opinion,
there is nothing “lucky” about not being able to have children.
-
“So…. Are you pregnant yet?”
o
Please, I beg of you, please do not ask this
question… EVER. All this question does
is remind us that we are NOT pregnant.
Having to answer “no” to this question over and over again gets very
tiring.
-
“You’re still young, you don’t need to be so
worried about this”
o
As I get older, my infertility problems are NOT
going to go away, so I'm pretty sure I can worry about this whenever I dang
well please.
 |
| This is how my feelings look inside when people say these things... and I say to myself "Excuse me, what?" |
Reading back over my list, I think it is best if you just
don’t say these things to anyone… ever (whether they’re struggling with
infertility or not).
If you have a friend of loved one who is struggling with infertility,
the best thing you can say to them is “I’m so sorry that this is happening to
you” and “I love you, I’m here for you”.
That’s what we want and need to hear.
We want to know that we matter, that we are cared about and that we are
loved.
Really, isn’t that what everyone needs?
6 comments:
You forgot one. "I totally understand what you are going through" ...No, no one understands what you are going through
or "You may not be able to be a great mom, but you can be a great aunt." uh, no. Do not say this one either.
Amen Anneke! The "I totally understand what you are going through" kills me every time.
Also, on Mother's (Mothers'?) Day, do NOT say that your sacrament talk can apply to all women in the congregation because "all women are mothers in a certain sense". That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And it did not make me feel better on a day I sobbed through every year.
Your list is awesome. I can relate to hating every single one of those statements during the 4 years we tried for a baby...Torrey, I don't understand everything you've gone through (I don't have PCOS), but I can certainly empathize with a lot of it. We should talk sometime. I now wish we had been sharing with each other the last several years as we've both struggled with this!
I love you. You are amazing.
-Tarythe
Oh, and I just remembered another one!!!
"Just relax and enjoy the trying."
AHHHHHH!!!! First of all, that's an awkward thing to say to someone. Whether or not I'm enjoying the trying part is not their concern. Secondly, birthing a baby does not preclude you from having sex (long-term), so it's not like you'd better enjoy it while you can. Dumb, dumb, dumb. And did I mention awkward?
Oh my goodness, YES! Tarythe, I completely agree. We should definitely talk sometime, it is nice to have someone out there who just "gets" it. (Judd and I are still part of the JFK, love you and your little guy!)
Yup. I couldn't really enjoy the trying as it continued month after month to have negative tests..I hear ya.
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