Broken Ovaries

I called my doctor’s office to make an appointment.  I think at this point I was still slightly in denial, because when they asked me what the appointment was for, I responded with “Oh, just an annual check-up”, very nonchalantly.  Bad idea, Torrey, BAD IDEA!!! 

FYI (if you are ever faced with this scenario): When you say “Oh, just an annual check-up”, your doctor’s office suddenly doesn’t have time to see you for at least a month. Nice.

Later, once I finally got in to see the doctor, I was scolded for not telling the receptionist my REAL issue, I could have had an appointment for the next day.  Oh those doctors are very trixie, they are.

As every woman knows, there is nothing at all glamorous about going to the “Gyno”.  You are forced to talk about things that you would normally never tell even your nearest and dearest friends.  You then strip down to nothing and are asked to put on a hideous gown that’s been worn by hundreds of other women to cover your lady parts.  You then get to put your legs in the stirrups while people you don’t even know get all up in your biz-nez.  To top it all off, you are poked and prodded, inspected and then re-inspected… and you’re supposed to be “ok” with it all.  Yeah… right.

As you can imagine, I was thrilled to be at the doctor’s that day.  I gave the doc a run down of my “woman” history, I wore the ugly gown, I put my legs in those stirrups, and I allowed myself to be poked, prodded, inspected and re-inspected.  FINALLY (after several additional pokings, proddings and tests), I was given a diagnosis: PCOS.

PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) = Broken Ovaries

For those of you who aren’t familiar with PCOS (I’m pretty sure only women who actually have PCOS are familiar with it), here is a run down of what’s what from Web MD (this is as close as I can get to a real doctor’s explanation):

 “Polycystic ovary syndrome is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance.  It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant.  PCOS may also cause unwanted changes in the way you look.  If it is not treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such a diabetes and heart disease.”

AND:

“When the hormones that trigger ovulation are not at the right levels, the ovary does not release an egg every month.  In some women, cysts form on the ovaries.  These cysts make androgen.  High androgen in a woman causes male-type hair and acne problems and can stop ovulation.  About half of women with PCOS have a problem with how the body uses insulin, called insulin resistance.  When the body doesn’t use the insulin well, blood sugar builds to high levels.  If not treated, this can lead to diabetes.”

Sounds fun, huh? 

Now, this is my favorite part.  Here is a list of the symptoms for PCOS.  As my doc was telling me each of these symptoms, I was giving a mental “check” to each one and I was thinking “If I had known about these symptoms, I could have diagnosed myself forever ago”. 

PCOS Symptoms:

* Acne (check, though not extreme, which I am grateful for)

* Extra hair on the face and body (check!)

* Weight gain and trouble losing weight (double check!)

* Thinning hair on the scalp (check!)

* Irregular periods (check!)

* Fertility problems (check!)

* Depression (check!)

Finding out I had PCOS (aka, broken ovaries) was actually quite a relief.  Its like when you’re a kid and you find out that Santa is not real (sorry to spill the beans everyone).  Although you feel like your world has fallen apart, it makes sense.  You had always wondered why Santa used the same wrapping paper as your parents, how on earth one man could get presents out to children all over the world in a single night, how anyone could ever fit down a chimney… the elves and the flying reindeer, the north pole.  But once you knew the truth, it all made sense (whether you were happy about it or not).

Ok, so I found out that I had broken ovaries.  My next question was, “where do we go from here?”

The Calm Before the Storm

**This blog post has the potential to make some people a little uncomfortable.  If you are uncomfortable talking about a woman’s body… you should probably skip over this post... and probably several posts to come**

When you finally make that leap from “wish I could have a baby” to “trying to make a baby”, it is like embarking on an exciting adventure.  You jump at the opportunity to “get busy” with your partner.  It’s even more exciting and fun than it’s ever been, because every time you think to yourself “is this the time a little spermy will find an egg?”  Every time you feel a twinge of nausea, you rush to the store for a pregnancy test.  You are absolutely on edge each month as you wait for Mother Nature to pay her monthly visit and you excitedly hope and pray she’ll skip on by.  Sometimes (when you're alone), you stuff a pillow under your shirt to see how cute you'd look pregnant.

Trust me... we've all done it.  If you haven't, I applaud you on your self control.

It’s all so fun and exciting!!!  Only, I had one major problem.  You see, my whole life I’ve never had a regular menstrual cycle.  I didn’t even start until I was 15 or 16.  I guess you could say I was an incredibly late bloomer in that department (even though I had been wearing a bra since 4^th grade).  FYI- the average age for a girl to get her first period is 12 years old.  Even once I finally DID get my period, it came in very irregular intervals.  I could go months and months without one… sometimes even a year.  Of course, as a teenager I saw this as a huge blessing.  I thought life couldn’t get any better, especially after hearing horror stories from all of my friends about their monthly cycle.

I have always been an incredibly private person about my body (obviously, I’m opening up about this all now… but as a teenager I would rather DIE than have to talk to my mom about woman stuff).  I didn’t even tell my mom when I had my first period.  I kept it all very quiet, I mean, it was MY personal business anyway, why should I have to tell anyone about it?  My point here is that I’m sure that if I had kept my mom in the know about my bodily functions, we would have pinpointed my problem much earlier.

When I got married and was put on birth control, my cycle was VERY regular.  This was because birth control forces you to have a period each month.  I wasn’t exactly thrilled about this, but I finally came to terms with it.  I figured, every other woman on earth has to have a monthly period, and I was now no exception.

And, here is where the problem came in… I went off birth control to make this baby I had wanted all of these years… but my body refused to comply.  Word to the wise: You cannot have a baby unless you first have a period.  For those who may be a little new to this whole “how to make a baby” thing, here’s a brief description of how it all works: 

Each month a woman’s ovaries release an egg into the fallopian tube (in hopes that it will be fertilized).  Up until this point, rising Estrogen levels have caused the walls of a woman’s uterus to thicken in preparation for a little fertilized egg to make a home there.  Whilst in the fallopian tube, the egg has the opportunity to get fertilized (this is where the sperm comes into play).  The egg then travels down into the uterus.  A fertilized egg will (hopefully) attach to the uterine wall, while a non-fertilized egg breaks apart.  When your egg doesn’t get fertilized, your body realizes its not going to have a baby, so the thickened lining of the uterus is no longer needed and thus evacuates the body.

Romantic, I know.  This “no period thing” went on for many, many (FAR too many) months.  Finally my best friend convinced me to go see my doctor to figure out what the heck was going on.  So, I went… and my baby journey took a dramatic turn for the worst.

The “First Few Years”

Next came the years of partying it up as childless married folk.  Although I was haunted by constant reminders of babies on a daily basis, I was reassured by the thought that my question of “help us know when we should start a family”, had yet to be answered.

The other night I was listening to my friends (marriage veterans) discuss how “so and so” had such a difficult first year of marriage.  Another friend (also a marriage veteran) piped in and stated, “Those first few years are always the hardest for everyone”.  I sat there, taking in those sweeping statements, and I just… couldn’t… relate. 

Our first few years of marriage were (dare I say it)… fun.  Many things happened our “first few years” that could have made for a difficult marriage: we bought our first home, we remodeled our first home (it was the epitome of sweat equity), we made peace with Marty, we became proud dog owners, we profusely apologize to the neighbors for our dog attacking their child, we took the dog to the pound, kittens!, the Husband lost his job, one of our cats ran away, the Husband helped me through my emotional insecurities and body image issues (that’s not to say those have gone away), we sometimes struggled to make ends meet financially, I worried about things I had no control over….

The list goes on and on… but the important part here is that I didn’t feel our marriage was ever difficult or hard.  We seriously didn’t have our first knock down drag out fight until very VERY recently (and even then it wasn’t THAT bad, we resolved the issue, and then kissed made up about a half hour later).

See what I'm talking about?  Bliss.

So… the “first few years” for the Husband and I were great.  I don’t know if babies and children would have totally ruined our “first few years”… and we’ll never know one way or the other… so I’ll just reiterate how fun it was to grow together as a couple during those “first few years”.

Those “help us know when we should start a family” prayers continued.  We never had a lightening bolt “ah-ha!” moment where we suddenly realized we needed to start having babies ASAP… it was more of a general realization that it wasn’t NOT the right time.  We didn’t feel like we shouldn’t be having babies.  We weren't being told "NO!!!!!!  Don't do it!!!!"  

So, we tossed birth control out the door and our baby journey began.

Once Upon a Time, We Were Newlyweds

Yes... newlyweds. 

I remember after the Husband and I got married and returned home from our honeymoon, we were living in the Husband’s parent’s basement apartment while we searched for a home of our own.  ("Husband's parent's basement"... try saying THAT five time fast).

Whilst on our honeymoon, about as newlywed as you can get.

One night, while lying next to the Husband in our bed, just basking in the glory of being that close to the person you love the most… I was suddenly overcome with this out of control HUNGER… for a baby.  (SOUND THE CRAZY ALARM!!!)

We’ve all heard tales (especially in Mormon rich Utah), of young girls getting married and becoming mothers right away (whether by choice or by accident).  My own father was a honeymoon baby.  My grandmother used to pray that her baby (my dad) would make it to his due date, to avoid becoming to topic of the neighborhood gossip… “No wonder Wels and Wynona got married... They HAD to”… “Tsk, tsk… yet another Wayne county shot gun wedding”... that sort of gossip. 

There was a girl I went to high school with whose family had a history of being SO fertile, that on her honeymoon she used TWO forms of birth control and still (somehow) found herself knocked up just a few weeks later.

So, logically, I thought to myself, "What's the big deal, people have babies right off the bat ALL of the time."

Well, as I was lying next to the husband, overcome with a desire to have babies (lots of them), as soon as possible… I decided to test the waters… see how the Husband felt about my baby hunger (mind you, we had literally been married for less than a couple of weeks).

Me: I think we should start trying for a baby.

Husband: (crickets chirping)

I rolled the Husband over (certain I had triggered a heart attack) to find a look of horror on his face.  I wasn’t going to let him off the hook just yet.  Although I suspected his look meant “We need to commit you to the psych ward”, I was hoping it meant, “I was just thinking the exact same thing!”

Me: Well….? (Arms crossed, impatiently tapping foot)

Husband: uh… um… don’t you think we should get used to being married first? (gulp)

The poor thing.  I don’t blame him one bit for his reaction.  I mean, honestly I look back on this memory with SUCH embarrassment.  What made me think I was ready for such a life changing experience?  What made me think the Husband was ready?

That conversation that night led us to asking in nearly every one of our prayers together “help us know when we should start a family”.  Deep down I wanted more than anything for the answer to be “now”… but it wasn’t.  I suppose the Husband was more in tune with what was best for us than I was… he has always been a bit more “in tune” than I (I blame it on his ever calm demeanor). 

To be continued.... 

Lately

I haven’t blogged in so long, and I would honestly love to just start blogging about what’s going on in my life at this very moment… but to explain what’s going on at this very moment, I have to back log a bit.  SO… be prepared for some very “fun” blog posts coming your way, and be patient with me as I work my way up to “this very moment”.

Thanks for your patience. ;)