Domestically Challenged

Over the weekend, the husband and I were invited to Sunday dinner at my parents house (as usual), which we attended (as usual), at which we gorged ourselves (as usual), because, let's face it, I'm not exactly what some would call "Betty Homemaker". I always joke with the husband that I'm "Domestically Challenged", and he always jokes back that I'm "Not".

It doesn't really bother me, because it's true. My best friend in high school had to teach me how to make scrambled eggs when i was a Senior. I'm good at the laundry and housekeeping, and to be honest I can make a KILLER batch of cookies. But, I guess when it comes to actually making something "healthy", i bomb.

The problem lies in my prideful, self sufficient attitude. I start dinner by following a recipe to the T, I use measuring cups and spoons, I set the oven to the exact temperature as directed, but then, about half way through the recipe, my pride starts to kick in. I start to think "I don't REALLY need to measure everything out" or "I don't think that ingredient is absolutely necessary" and "ooohh!! what if I added in THIS?". See? My pride sets in, and I think I know better than the recipe. In the end, I take one bite of my disaster, it goes down the garbage disposal, and it's frozen pizza for dinner, AGAIN.

I think a big part of it is because I watch my husband in the kitchen: NO recipe, NO measuring tools, not even an idea of WHAT he's going to make! Just a smorgasbord of ingredients and a bowl, and it turns out to be this beautiful perfect gift of sweet nectar from the gods made by a mortal man with an apron and a mustache! Go figure.

Now, some women may be "put out" by their husband's ability to run circles around them in the kitchen, but I've decided to take a positive, perhaps even entrepreneurial take on the "situation". I have decided to get my husband his very own Food Network show. Something like "The Alpha Cook" or, I don't know, "Homemade Husband". He's the male version of Paula Dean for cryin' out loud! (Well, except for the obvious weight and personality differences...) I could make a SERIOUS killing off of his unique skills. PLUS, he'd be busy trying out new dishes all of the time for the show, I'd never have to cook again!!! I could have a homemade meal for Breakfast, Lunch, AND Dinner. It would save me so much time, and make me so much money.

Then again, my whole plan could backfire. I could end up never seeing my husband because he's away, filming his show, and then I'd be stuck eating cold cereal for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. But, I'm willing to take a risk. I eat cold cereal all the time ANYWAY, so I have nothing to lose! (Besides the company of a good husband). Ok now, who has Emeril's cell number?

Not so much "difficult" as "formidable"

It has come to my attention that occasionally I am a somewhat intrusive, un-managable tyrant of sorts.  And lately, it seems as if there IS no "right" side of the bed... at least, I can't seem to wake up on it, that's for sure.  I don't know what it is.  It's like suddenly all of my hormones are completely out of whack!  *And men, "hormones" is not a four lettered word... YOU have them too!  So, please, let's not run for the bomb shelter every time the ladies mention them.*  

The fact is, these past few weeks, I've become this MONSTER of emotions!  I'm super happy at one moment, I mean like the giggly happy, where you are just overcome with feelings of b

liss and joy.  Then suddenly Mr. Hyde comes out and I get upset at my husband for helping me fold the laundry!  It's weird.  Not to mention I started crying

 when I happened to flip to WWE and saw Rick Flair retire...strange.  I'm not so much "difficult" as "formidable". 

Most of you may be thinking, "well Torrey, sounds like you're pregnant to me"... but I'm not!   Believe me, I almost wish I WERE, at least then I'd know why I'm acting so crazy.  The worst part is that my husband has to put up with it all.  Poor guy HAS to ride my

 emotional roller coaster with me.  What a TROOPER!  I start to act normal and happy and he'll start to drop his guard, thinking I'm back to my old self... the SUDDENLY I turn on him and become evil again!  Or start crying for no reason...

But bless his heart, he still loves me.  And sometimes he lies to me to make me feel better "No honey, I DON'T think you're crazy".  Ofcourse I KNOW he's lying, but it makes me feel better.

Maybe I should try some ancient Voodoo cure for my multi-hormonal nature.  I'd be willing to look into a spell or something... as long as I don't have to eat goat brains or drink worm blood or anything like that.  I AM a gemini, perhaps that has something to do with it.  Let's see... here's what my monthly horoscope says "You are more peace-loving than usual" WRONG-O!  What else?... "You have some great professional energy, romantic energy, and plenty of intellectual energy."  If by "Energy" they mean "Raging Hormones", I guess that's true, but other than that, I don't think the Cosmos are of much help.

For now, my only cure is to warn everyone that I'm just a little difficult right now... well, not so much "difficult" as "formidable".  This will just have to do until I get a chance to meet with my favorite witch 

doctor...

A Potbellied Pal!

Today I really want a Potbellied Pig. I've ALWAYS wanted a potbellied pig, ever since I was little, but today I'm especially longing for one. (sigh) They're the PERFECT pet, with their cute little chubby legs, watery snout, and adorable furry gut!

My husband doesn't understand that potbellied pigs are INDOOR pets which is why I can't have one. But he also doesn't understand that Potbellieds are the greatest pets in the entire WORLD! So, here are the reasons I REALLY want a Potbellied PIG!!!

First of all, they're odorless. Now, i realize that no living organism is COMPLETELY odorless, SO... I guess what I mean is that these pets don't smell bad ALL of the time. Hey, humans are the same way!

Next, they can be potty trained! Hooray! They will either "go" in a litter box, or in a designated part of the yard! I mean, most small children aren't even potty trained. See why they're so perfect?!

What else... Pigs are incredibly social animals. They LOVE to be around people. They are affectionate and enjoy getting their bellies rubbed. Doesn't that sound SO cute!? I want a little Piggy to cuddle up next to me so I can tickle it's little furry chin while it snorts happily away.

Most importantly, Potbellieds are driven by FOOD! They're food possessed! Why is that important to me, you may ask? Because I'm the same way! Ha ha ha!!!

But seriously, I can't think of a single reason I WOULDN'T want a Potbellied Pig! I'm thinking I may just bring one home one day, I'm sure it'll grow on my husband. And if not, well, he'll have to find someone to adopt it from me, and I'll be super picky about it's future parents! SO THERE!!!

Honestly, WOW.

Last night the husband and I went house hunting for about the billionth time this month. (It's really getting frustrating). We've looked at so many houses that we absolutely LOVE, but last night we didn't see anything even remotely endearing.

The first house we looked at was tiny, but had a HUGE yard. It looked cute in the pictures, so we thought we'd give it a look. We met our Realtor at the house and he informed us that "this house is currently occupied, but i doubt the owner is home. Most people don't stick around when people walk through their house." How wrong he was. The home owner DID stick around, which made the tiny house seem even smaller.

We shuffled through the living room, past the crying babies and around the corner to the master bedroom, which was FILLED with adult magazines! Now, if you're into that kind of stuff, that's your own business (I personally am completely against EVERY aspect of that industry, I think it is degrading and evil). But honestly people, if you're trying to sell your house, don't you think you could box up the magazines and DVDs for a while? They were spread out all over the place!!! Honestly, WOW.

The next house was also currently occupied, and the home owners decided to stick around yet again! I was SURE I was going to love this house. The pictures on the internet were SO cute! It had beautiful original hard wood floors, a gorgeous kitchen, and TWO bathrooms (a definite plus for our price range). So, we walk into this house with aspirations high, only to be completely let down. First of all, it had the WORST smell ever. At first I thought it was cigarettes, but then it smelled like pet urine, then it smelled like stinky feet, all covered up by a cheap nasty candle. It was gross.

So we walk around trying to look at stuff with the home owners breathing down our necks the whole time. Finally they left us alone while we checked out the basement. Ok, this next part is not for those with weak stomaches, so skip on down if you get queasy easy (ha ha!). We walk down the stairs to greet a giant pile of dog barf. I'm not talking a little dog drool on the floor, this stuff was the size of a size 13 shoe! You could see every little thing the dog had attempted to eat, only it was now all slimy and mushy. I almost lost my cookies, but managed to step over it and move on to the small bedroom. But it was all down hill from there. In every single room of the basement, there were at least 5 piles of dog barf! Gee, I thought these people were trying to SELL. Honestly, WOW.

We moved on to the next house, and the whole car ride over I tried to get the stench from the last house out of my hair, but I never really succeeded. We pulled up to yet another cute house that I, once again, had high hopes for. And, yes, you guessed it, the home owners decided they wanted to stay for the party at this house too. (Sigh). So, we walk in to a living room FULL of teenagers. I'm pretty sure someone was only half dressed before we came because they wouldn't let us in for a really long time, and when we WERE let in, there was a person with a strategically placed blanket sitting on the couch. So, we TRIED to look at the bedrooms, but all the bedroom doors were shut and LOCKED. We TRIED to look at the basement, but alot of the light bulbs were burnt out. So, really the only thing we got to look at was the kitchen. And boy oh boy was it a disaster! There were dishes piled high, the counters were covered in filth and grime, and it look like the garbage had NEVER been taken out. I mean, Honestly, WOW.

Mostly I was just completely taken back by all of these homes. I guess the owners really DON'T want to sell that badly. I really couldn't believe that they expect people to come into their homes in such a condition and expect them to WANT to make an offer. It's sad really. I mean, just, well, I guess I mean, well, HONESTLY, WOW.

Shoes Glorious Shoes!!!

Well it's definitely no surprise that I am in LOVE with shoes... I'm a woman! And, because of my love for shoes, I've decided that MY shoes deserve their own blog post.

My current favorite pair of shoes are a pair I like to call "Old Reliable". I bought these shoes ON SALE (as I buy MOST of my shoes) which makes them even MORE attractive. They are brown suede high heels that are not only comfortable, BUT they make my legs look amazing! (Seriously, they do.) They have a "Genuine Leather" sole too. Now, normally I could care less if the soles of my shoes are "Genuine" or not, but in this case, it matters. I mean, these ARE my favorite pair of shoes and I want them to last a long time (they've already lasted about a year, and that's with me wearing them almost three times a week!) I have NEVER let ANYONE borrow these shoes for fear that they might be tainted by the borrower. So, if I've totally turned you on by describing these amazing shoes, FORGET IT! You can't borrow them.

My old favorite pair of shoes are now dead, BUT in my life time of shoes, they beat out all the rest. They were white and gold faux snake skin heels. Ah! They were gorgeous! I could wear them with ANYTHING. They were the perfect accessory to any outfit. Then one day i left them out, and my Schnauzer, Dill, ate them. I guess she must have thought they were Candy or something (they definitely were EYE CANDY). I cried and cried when I found the destroyed shoes! So, (and this next part is so completely embarrassing, so you're welcome to skip over it) I tried to glue them back together. Ha ha! I'm so pathetic! They looked alright on the outside, but they were terribly uncomfortable to wear, so I was FORCED to retire them. I'm still looking for a similar pair to replace them (if you find any, give me a holler).

Now, if you're a man, you probably don't understand a woman's fascination with shoes. Let me attempt to explain. In every woman's closet there are three different types of clothes: 1. Fat Clothes 2. Skinny Clothes 3. Betweenies. Just the other day my husband was completely shocked at how many pair of jeans I own, but I can't help it! I don't want to get rid of the Fat Jeans, because I may need to wear them someday, and I just CAN'T get rid of the Skinny Jeans, they're my inspiration! So I'm stuck with a drawer full of jeans and only a few pair I actually wear.

How does that relate to shoes? Well, no matter how wide your hips get, your shoes will still fit! So, what's the first thing a woman likes to buy when she's out shopping? Shoes of course! When you're depressed because you're wearing your Fat Jeans again, a brand new pair of cute wedges will always cheer you up! When you gain back that 5 pounds you just lost last month, those strappy stilettos are a sure confidence booster. And even when you fit in the Skinny Jeans, it still feels great to wear an amazing pair of heels to accent you're rockin' bod!

Does that make sense? If you're a woman, I know it does. So, this is my Ode to Shoes, let it we written, let it be known. Infact, I may just go purchase a new pair today...

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes...

So, I've successfully managed to make it over one of life's great hurdles this year... that being Marriage.  And, I have to say, marriage has treated me well thus far.  I married an amazing man who is amazing to me, and so far marriage has been... well.... Amazing.

You know that feeling when you order a sandwich and they forget to put on the pickles?  The sandwich is still great, and you are perfectly happy with the sandwich as it is, but still, you can tell, something is missing.  Well, that's how I started feeling several months after getting married.  I had successfully managed a husband for a month.  I hadn't killed him, he was fed and bathed, and always had clean underwear.  But, husbands can take care of themselves, and I found, more often than not, my husband was taking care of me, rather than I him.

I realized I needed something else to take care of... something that would be almost completely dependent on me for it's sole survival... something to fill that void!  I needed pickles on my sandwich!  So I had a sit down with the husband and I told him how I was feeling.  I explained my need for nurturing and caring for a living organism, I explained my want for pickles on my sandwich.  

After I gushed all of my feelings to a great husband, he took my hand and after a extra long pause said "Well, honey, if you really REALLY want a baby that bad, we can have one."  Uh... hold the phone there husband... BABY?!?!  I quickly had to explain that, those pickles on my sandwich are not a BABY, my pickles are, i don't know, a pet of some kind, maybe even a plant, but definitely NOT a baby.

So, after a huge sigh of relief from my husband we went to the pet store and bought me some fish.  After killing four of them and never feeding the other two, I realized something:  Maybe things and perfect how they are.  I know I'm not ready for a baby, I mean, I can't even take care of a few little goldfish!  Yes, I have those nurturing, mothering urges, but, that can definitely wait for a little bit.  What was i thinking, getting all excited for grown up responsibilities?! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes goldfish, then comes a goldfish funeral, then comes another goldfish funeral, then comes another goldfish funeral.....                                                                                  

My First Blog!

So, this is not only my first Blog, but consequently, my first Blog Post.  To be completely honest, I feel a little insecure about the whole "Blog" thing.  Now, I'm the type of person who LOVES reading OTHER people's Blogs, but I feel totally exposed when it comes to writing one myself ... is that abnormal?  

Maybe i have a Peeping Tom syndrome or something.  Am I a scandalmonger?  Maybe I am.  But I think its different when you read about the lives of people you know and care about.  (Although I will admit I've read one or two celebrity gossip magazines.... or three or twenty.)

The fact is, I have decided that regardless if anyone actually reads this or not, I need to do this for me.  Sometimes I read other people's blogs and I think "Gee, they have the most exciting life!"  But I hope that if I reflect on my own life, I'll be much more appreciative for what I have.