Ratta-Tat-Tat!

So, I'm at the Maverick yesterday, picking up a bottled water to quench my thirst before my night class.  I walk up to pay, mindlessly set my drink on the counter, wrangle my wallet out of my purse, hand the clerk my debit card, when SUDDENLY, I behold the most lovely, astonishing, hilarious, beautiful sight I've ever seen...  

A Fraggle Rock tattoo on the arm of the clerk.  It had most of the characters from the cartoon in this vibrant color, just popping off her arm!  It was amazing!  In fact, I was so caught up in her body art, that she had to tell me "You need to enter your pin number" three times!  I mean, really, this was a great tattoo.    

As I was driving to class I was consumed in cognition over the ingenious ink.  What made her get it?  Why Fraggle Rock?  Did it hurt?

I will admit, some tattoos are SUPER lame: the ever popular tramp stamp, the tribal bands around the biceps, the Japanese symbol for "whatever" on the ankle or foot.... talk about unique.  (Rolling of the eyes.)  But, I would be lying if I didn't say that I've always been envious of anyone who has a tattoo, no matter how lame.  

Because I'm a Mormony-Mormon, I've never really considered getting a tattoo, just lusted after them.  I know I shouldn't mark my body, but MAN a tattoo would be sweet!  So, let's say, for some reason, I just went wild and crazy and got myself that tattoo, what would it be?  Just one tattoo....  What a tough decision!

So, if I went the cartoon direction... Scrooge McDuck would be pretty rad, and when I looked at him, I would always remember my aspirations to be filthy rich.

I did watch one of those ever popular tattoo shows once where a girl wanted a bar code on the bottom of her foot.  Ha ha!  That would be hilarious!   Or perhaps a "Made in China" tat.  Only... I wasn't made in China.  Maybe I could get a "Made in the USA" tat?  No... nothing is made in the US these days.

Maybe a Disney style crown that says "Princes" under it... no that's lame.

My friend Mary has a tattoo on her hip of a lightning bolt!  It's so amazing, and I am so envious.  Maybe I would copy her.  I would definitely want something with color, but not something that can be seen easily.  Grah!  I don't know, such a hard decision that I'll never have to make!!!!

Maybe I'll just go with my husband's name tattooed on my butt.  

I LOVE JUDD

Let's hope we never get divorced!

It Perks AND Enhances!

I've been debating wether or not to write a blog on the following topic.. but it's just too good to overlook.  Brace yourself, this post includes more talk of womanly parts...

Because I've been blessed/cursed (you can decide) with, shall we say... a "Bountiful Bosom", the idea of what they will look like one day, after I've had children, often plagues my  mind.  Let's face it, it's painfully obvious that women with perky capacious cleavage in their twenties end up with droopy, sagging, deflated looking bosoms by at least their mid-forties.  Sigh.  Is it such a crime to want magnanimous mammaries for the rest of my life?  Honestly.

So, I was expressing my fears and concerns to the Husband about a month ago, and more or less joking about creating a "Boob-Job Fund"... for the future, of course.  I mean, really, it's not like I want to drastically change my body, in fact, I love my body... I just want to keep it looking like it does now.  Ok?  I just simply don't want to be at risk of kicking my breasts every time I go for a jog.  So, I express these ideas to my husband, who also become GREATLY concerned... but the conversation ends, and I forget about it.

A week later, I get this call:  

"I ordered you something today!" the Husband tells me over the phone.

I, of course, am completely shocked!  I mean, the Husband is great, but he's just not the type of guy who brings home flowers every night... so I start to get really excited, wondering what he could have possibly ordered me.  Was it those shoes I've been dying to buy?  Maybe something for our house?  Or, could it possibly be?... a day at the spa?!

"What?" I ask him, "What is it?"

"Well... I don't know exactly how to say this... but...ok, I ordered you Boob Creme!!!"

I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, "Boob Creme?"... yeah, I KNOW that's exactly what you're thinking, because I was thinking that exact SAME thing.  Yes, the Husband had ordered a free trial sample (with a small shipping and handling fee) of some exotic "Breast Enhancing Creme" that claims it will not only "perk and firm", but also "increase your volume by up to 2 full cup sizes!"  Wow.  Honestly, wow.

So, I don't want to hurt the man's feelings, so I try to act excited about it.  It arrives about a week later, and I carefully take it out of the packaging... but I open the tub of boob creme, and it smells absolutely HORRIBLE!  I start to worry.. "What if this is toxic?  What if I'm allergic to it?  What if my body somehow reacts opposite to the intended results, and my chests end up shriveling up and falling off?!!"  You would think the same thing after smelling that stuff, it was rank.  After I let the Husband smell the concoction, he decided it didn't seem safe either.  So, the boob creme was retired to under the sink, where it will continue to sit until I decide to get brave... brave or desperate (which ever comes first). 

Well, about a month after the boob creme incident, as I was looking at my online banking, I noticed something odd.  We were missing $150 out of our account that had been paid to a completely random source.  I called the Husband asking if he had recently bought something for $150?  Nope, wasn't him.  I knew it wasn't me either...

We both arrive home, completely perplexed, worried that someone had got a hold of our checking account information.  We were about to call the bank... when, we noticed, sitting in the mail box, a package.  The Husband watches as I quickly open the brown cardboard box... the suspense was killing us.  And what should be in the package?...  Yep, you guessed it... MORE BOOB CREME!

You see, when the husband had signed up for our "free trial", it also signed us up for a monthly subscription of the blasted boob creme.  We immediately canceled the subscription of the cursed creme, but we now have two giant tubs of boob goo sitting side by side beneath the bathroom sink.  

So, if you need a little perk... if you're dying to move up a cup size... or if you just plain want to risk your life by testing a possibly toxic creme on your bosom... you know who to come to.  Just call me, the Boob Creme Broker.

Radio Active and Neon Orange

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS POSSIBLY RADIOACTIVE

PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK

So, normally, I would never write about what I'm about to write about... BUT, this is just too absolutely amazing to keep to myself.

Last night, after a long evening of school, I got home and sat down to do my homework...when SUDDENLY!... disaster struck!!!!

First let me give a little background to the story... recently I have been battling some...(OK... WARNING!!!... this topic may make you feel uncomfortable, so stop reading now if you are not a woman or don't have a wife)... urinary tract problems. Ugh! I know, doesn't it make you hurt just to think about it? So, I've been drinking lots of water and even taking cranberry pills since, supposedly, something in cranberries kills bacteria something, something, something... and this has been helping relieve the problem.

Anyway, back to the story... So, I get home last night and as I start working on my homework, I get that urge... yes, the urge to pee. I mean, this isn't just any ordinary urge, it's an urge like the urgency of the "been stuck in traffic for an hour and a half just after successfully consuming a 44 oz diet coke before getting into the car" urge. Only, I wasn't stuck in traffic, and I hadn't consumed a 44 oz diet coke, in fact, I realized, as I ran to the bathroom, that I hadn't had anything to drink that entire day! Nothing, nada, zip, not a single drop.

So I make it to the bathroom, practically lunge at the toilet, situate myself, and... nothing. Trust me, I tried and tried and tried to get something to come out... but my bladder was completely empty.

So, I dejectedly walk back to my bedroom and curl up into a ball on the floor and start to cry. Why? Because I know I'm in for a very long and sleepless night and the urge is just getting stronger and more and more painful by the second.

For the next half hour I kept running to the bathroom to attempt to "go", only to be completely let down when the toilet bowl winds up empty again and again. Finally I park myself on the bathroom floor, curled up in a towel because I'm in too much pain to go get a blanket, and proceed to moan. At this point the Husband decides to come find out why I'm crouched, butt up, on the cold bathroom floor wailing and gnashing my teeth (ok... probably not the gnashing of teeth part... but that's how hellish the whole experience was).

Now, bless his heart, I love my Husband. He truly completes me, and he's definitely the brains of the two of us. You see, not only does the Husband hate to see people hurting, he is a problem solver. So, next thing I know, he's seat belted me into the car, and we're on our way to the grocery store to find a cure.

We get in the store and he goes for the juice isle, while I head for the pharmacy. I immediately find the cranberry pills and next to them is another medicine I've never tried before: AZO Standard - "For Fast and Effective Relief of Urinary Tract Problems" (really, this stuff is good).
So, we check out and on our 5 minute drive back to the house I've chugged half of my 2 liter "juice box" and my hands start shaking.

We get back to the house and I have the Husband read the instructions for my AZO Standard while I attempt to open the annoying plastic packs every 2 pills come in. "Take 2 pills with every meal, do not consume more than 6 pills daily". So I manage to get 6 pills out of their plastic prisons, pop them all into my mouth at once, and wash them down a huge swig of cranberry juice which, yes, I'm drinking directly out of the carton.

I then pop 2 Tylenol PMs and finish off the Cranberry Juice, and finally, exhausted from the whole experience, collapse on the bed. After about 30 minutes I started feeling pretty good. I was able to sleep through the entire night, and today, I feel great!

So, I got up this morning with the urge to "go", and this time I actually got to. Whew! What a great feeling! Now, here is the totally amazing part, and I expect you all to think this is as amazing as I do... my pee is neon orange! Seriously! It's so weird. It's looks like it's radio active or something. Oh and don't look down on me because I looked at my own pee... you know you all do it too. So, I now have possibly radioactive pee, and it hasn't changed colors all day, its truly amazing. I don't know if it was the cranberry juice, or the AZO pills, or the combination of both.. but if you want to have amazingly neon orange, possibly radioactive pee, you know what to do.

PS. This post was in honor of Laura :) Sorry it was all about potty Laur.