I need you.

It's a sad but well known fact that I am happier and SO much funnier on Diet Coke. Seriously.

I used to think that I got my sense of humor from being the chubby girl. Whenever I was left alone one the swing set at recess, I would think "Well, my thunder thighs and muffin top are not going to get me any where in this life, guess I'll have to develop other worthy and desirable character traits to be successful." Seriously.

So I learned to be funny, make people laugh, partially to draw attention away from my jelly roll. But it made me feel good, like I was worth while. Seriously.


Now, this year, for reasons I cannot currently explain because I can't exactly remember WHY I wanted to do this... but I decided to go off Diet Coke. Seriously.

I was raised on Diet Coke. Since birth that dark carbonated goodness has pumped through my veins. I remember being in a stroller at the mall, my mother feeding me her Diet Coke with a straw. Seriously.


Maybe I'm going through withdrawals, maybe I'm addicted, I can't be sure. But I DO know that I'm one month and eleven days sober and positively miserable. Seriously.

Oh Diet Coke! Why have you forsaken me? Or is it, why have I forsaken YOU? See? I can't even think straight. I'm moody, I'm boring, I'm ornery, I'm bland. I need a Diet Coke right now in my hand. Great. Now I'm rhyming and I'm realizing that, being fat didn't make me funny... it was YOU, DC, you. SERIOUSLY.


I'm hoping things will get better. I really am. Most days are manageable, but really, today I need you, Diet Coke. I need you more than ever. I want to write on my blog and be witty and charming, but I can't without you. One day, several months from now, I'm sure I'll be fine without you, I won't dream about you and crave you like I do now. But you need to let me move on, Diet Coke. Just let me go. Don't look at me from the soda fountain with those sad and lonely eyes. I'm sure plenty of Utah women will love you more than I ever could. Please, Diet Coke. I need to move on. Seriously.

This is my deranged and sincerest Valentine for you.

Love,

Torrey

All Out of Love

Back in Thanksgiving, the Husband and I hauled ourselves down to Mesquite Nevada to spend some time with family.

The day after we arrived it was decided that we must trek up to Zions National Park to enjoy mother nature's beautiful landscape and design... or something like that. Instead of taking our own car we decided to cram in with the Husband's sister and her family. I was a little apprehensive about this car ride. A bad night's sleep on an uncomfortable air mattress + no shower + knees practically smashing boobs because feet are on the hump + three small children + country music on the radio = not my ideal car ride. Hence the apprehension.

The thing I did not take into account, was the miracle of modern technology. Growing up we didn't have iPods, and we weren't rich enough to have Game Boys. All we had was the lovely company of each other and the hum of the road. We were forced to talk or sleep for long car rides. The radio was pointless as we would just fight over what to listen to anyway, so it usually just stayed off.

Imagine my surprise when I got in the car for our voyage to Zions and everyone was silent. Two kids were plugged in to iPods, one was getting ready to take a nap. Yes, my knees were touching my boobs, yes there was country music on the radio, but I was able to zone that out for the most part. I was now excited for a pleasant rendezvous.

(Syepris)

We had almost made it out of the neighborhood, when my niece Syepris decided that she needed to sing along with her iPod. The atmosphere suddenly changed from "quiet and enjoyable" to.... something else. This is what I heard:

Syepris (at the TOP of her lungs): I'm all out of LOVE.. hmmm na na WITHOUT YOU... heh mee neh neh nah, hmmm meh neh naw SO LONG!

Over and over again every time the chorus came along. Once the song was over, she would promptly play it again. I looked at the Husband. He looked back at me. We both burst out in laughter. Why a six year old has Air Supply on their iPod escapes me, but it was brilliant!

I turned around to look at Syepris. She was closing her eyes, one arm reaching out, the other clenching her chest... The Expression! The Emotion! I couldn't believe this rock goddess of a child! Sure she didn't know all of the words, but that girl was a smash!

Soon the singing turned into screaming when Cole tried to silence Syepris with her fist because "She's singing too loud! I can't hear my own music!!!" The country music on the radio was soon turned up in hopes of drowning out the yelling, and the car ride turned into what I was originally expecting.



It wasn't bad, just different.

The very best part of that vacation, by far, was Syepris' rendition of "All Out of Love". Occasionally, when I'm having a bad day, I try to recreate that moment, and it ALWAYS makes me smile. Always.

Sometimes to make the Husband laugh, I'll pretend like I'm Syepris... "I'm all out of LOVE.. hmmm na na WITHOUT YOU... heh mee neh neh nah, hmmm meh neh naw SO LONG!" After laughing, the Husband says its rude to make fun of a little girl. But I'm not making fun, I'm showing how much I admire her. You've heard what they say about imitation being the sincerest form of flattery. It's true.

Recently, the Husband and I were driving home from the grocery store. I had control of the radio. I was in an especially good mood and I was excited to get home to eat the goods we had just purchased.

(Me, the Husband)

I flipped through several stations. Lady Gaga? No. Next station. Beyonce? Meh. Not in the mood, next station. Country? No no no no no. Next! "OOooooohh, what' this?" I thought to myself as I came upon Fireflies by Owl City. I'd heard it once before. Very catchy, and just in my range. I soon found myself singing.

Me (at the TOP of my lungs, eyes closed, arm reaching out, other hand cupping ear so as to hear myself better): I'd like to make myself believe, that planet earth turns slowly. Hmm he neh na-neh meh ne he hah wake when I'm asleep, meeh meh ne ne is never as it seems!

The Husband just stared. He would glance at the road to make sure he was still on it, then he would stare, stare, STARE. I didn't know hardly any of the lyrics. But I dare say I was a rock goddess of a woman!

Then the laughing began. Laughing AT, not with. I soon realized how I must look and quickly stopped and changed the station... to country music. I turned it up really loud, hoping it would drown out my embarrassment.

Sometimes to make himself laugh, the Husband pretends to be me... "I'd like to make myself believe, that planet earth turns slowly. Hmm he neh na-neh meh ne he hah wake when I'm asleep, meeh meh ne ne is never as it seems!" After giving a courtesy laugh I remind the Husband that it's not nice to make fun of his wife, who was once a little girl.

You've heard what they say about imitation being the sincerest form of flattery. Not so sure it's true anymore.

I still like to bust out "All Out of Love" every now and then, but I'm feeling more and more guilty for doing so. It's just so funny, its very hard to resist.

"I'm all out of LOVE.. hmmm na na WITHOUT YOU... heh mee neh neh nah, hmmm meh neh naw SO LONG!"