Separation Anxiety

Those of you who have read my blog before can attest to the fact that, well, I'm not so good with pets. I've caused the death of many a marine animal. In fact, I've seen so many pass, I stopped naming the *insert profane expression* things! Its ridiculous. I mostly blame my innate lack of motherly nurturing skills. I really don't know how on earth my 3 current fish are still alive, as I hardly ever feed them.. maybe once every two weeks at best.

I thought I had redeemed myself when we got Dexter. The Husband and I had been yearning for a puppy for a long time. For me it was to temporarily satiate my need for a baby, for the Husband it was to gain a life long companion (well, one that doesn't constantly nag i.e. moi.)
Our ideal puppy was an English Bulldog. Adorable in every way, from the rolls to the slobber, we were convinced a bulldog would be perfect for us. Until we noticed the (wheeze, gasp, choke) cost. I mean, we're not exactly living in rags here, but 2,000 bucks is not exactly "petty cash" to us. So, we decided to adopt.
If you have never had the experience of going to the animal shelter to take a gander at prospective pets, I would NOT recommend it. You will want to adopt every animal there! These abandoned/abused animals stare at you with their giant "please love me" eyes and they are impossible to resist.

After looking at several dogs I pulled the Husband aside and asked him what he thought. Usually, when asked this question he responds with "I dunno", but this time he actually had an answer. "I like the white fluffy one, over there". Well then, ok! I was down with that, besides, I find it incredibly attractive when a man knows what he wants (suggestive raising of eyebrows and winking of eye).

We walked over to the cage of a beautiful American Eskimo. The Husband knelt down and gently opened the cage door. The dog bolted out and immediately jumped up on the Husband and licked his face. The Husband was in love. I've got to hand it to Dexter, he certainly knew how to get adopted. Looking and acting all innocent and loving, he made us believe he was the perfect dog. American Eskimos are known for being smart, case in point. So, we adopt him. We had to, he practically made out with my Husband for crying out loud!

Once we got Dexter home I figured I needed to take a long hard look at my pet keeping skills. A dog is NOT a fish, obviously. Maybe this is hypocritical of me, but I would feel a whole lot worse if I killed a dog via neglect than I do with my fish. So, I made a pledge to myself to treat this dog as I would want to be treated. Live by the "Golden Rule" and such. I swore I would feed him diligently, brush his mangled mane, clean up his poopie, even bathe the animal! I would be the best pet owner of all the freakin' land! And I tried.

Then, the real Dexter came out. Sure he was cute and cuddly, but the welcoming eyes we fell in love with at the shelter gave no indication that he liked to bark. He waggly tail never once led us to know that he liked to poop on the carpet out of spite. His playful and attentive ears wouldn't tell us his REAL secret, never would we have know that he LOVES to bite small children!!!

So after MONTHS of dealing with angry parents, annoyed neighbors, animal control and yes, even the police, I just couldn't take it anymore! I was doing my part, I honored my pledge, but Dexter just wasn't holding up his end of the bargain. I had to get rid of him.

I felt terribly guilty about it, wanting to give my dog back to the horrible place I had saved him from. The Husband was the most depressed out it. It was HIS dog, after all, his life long companion. I made him swear he didn't care if we got rid of Dex, swear on his life, swear on all that is good and holy. He did. I still don't believe him. But, because I am a selfish and small minded human being, I made the Husband wrangle Dexter into the car, one Saturday morning, and we made the long drive back to the humane society.


We walked Dexter into the receiving department, and suddenly, he was so well behaved. He sat quitely as I filled out the necessary paperwork. Happily looked at the camera as they took his picture. Didn't even flinch when we took off his collar and tied a rough leash around his neck.

Then the strangest thing happened. The ladies at the desk asked me to describe Dexter, his pros and cons, his personality, etc. I couldn't think of a single bad thing about him. I couldn't think of how he had chewed up all of my favorite high heels, how he attacked 3 little girls, how he barfed in my bedroom. I gushed about how he was the best dog on earth. He was always so happy to see me when I got home from work. He loved to cuddle and could make anyone smile. He was so smart and funny. The ladies assured me that because he was up to date on his shots he would get adopted out that same day. I said my last good byes to Dex and watched, suddenly stunned, as he walked down the long hallway to the next room.

We walked out the front door and I immediately burst into tears. I mean, REAL tears. Uncontrollable, mascara ruining, snot running down my face, tears. I cried the entire drive home. What is wrong with me?! I know I'm a hormonal woman, but really, I've got problems.

So, the fact is, I'm not so good with pets, or separation for that matter. There's no going back. Dexter has worked his magic on another unsuspecting young couple by now and is chewing up someone elses brown suede stilettos. (sigh) Please bless having kids won't be this hard.