It Perks AND Enhances!

I've been debating wether or not to write a blog on the following topic.. but it's just too good to overlook.  Brace yourself, this post includes more talk of womanly parts...

Because I've been blessed/cursed (you can decide) with, shall we say... a "Bountiful Bosom", the idea of what they will look like one day, after I've had children, often plagues my  mind.  Let's face it, it's painfully obvious that women with perky capacious cleavage in their twenties end up with droopy, sagging, deflated looking bosoms by at least their mid-forties.  Sigh.  Is it such a crime to want magnanimous mammaries for the rest of my life?  Honestly.

So, I was expressing my fears and concerns to the Husband about a month ago, and more or less joking about creating a "Boob-Job Fund"... for the future, of course.  I mean, really, it's not like I want to drastically change my body, in fact, I love my body... I just want to keep it looking like it does now.  Ok?  I just simply don't want to be at risk of kicking my breasts every time I go for a jog.  So, I express these ideas to my husband, who also become GREATLY concerned... but the conversation ends, and I forget about it.

A week later, I get this call:  

"I ordered you something today!" the Husband tells me over the phone.

I, of course, am completely shocked!  I mean, the Husband is great, but he's just not the type of guy who brings home flowers every night... so I start to get really excited, wondering what he could have possibly ordered me.  Was it those shoes I've been dying to buy?  Maybe something for our house?  Or, could it possibly be?... a day at the spa?!

"What?" I ask him, "What is it?"

"Well... I don't know exactly how to say this... but...ok, I ordered you Boob Creme!!!"

I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, "Boob Creme?"... yeah, I KNOW that's exactly what you're thinking, because I was thinking that exact SAME thing.  Yes, the Husband had ordered a free trial sample (with a small shipping and handling fee) of some exotic "Breast Enhancing Creme" that claims it will not only "perk and firm", but also "increase your volume by up to 2 full cup sizes!"  Wow.  Honestly, wow.

So, I don't want to hurt the man's feelings, so I try to act excited about it.  It arrives about a week later, and I carefully take it out of the packaging... but I open the tub of boob creme, and it smells absolutely HORRIBLE!  I start to worry.. "What if this is toxic?  What if I'm allergic to it?  What if my body somehow reacts opposite to the intended results, and my chests end up shriveling up and falling off?!!"  You would think the same thing after smelling that stuff, it was rank.  After I let the Husband smell the concoction, he decided it didn't seem safe either.  So, the boob creme was retired to under the sink, where it will continue to sit until I decide to get brave... brave or desperate (which ever comes first). 

Well, about a month after the boob creme incident, as I was looking at my online banking, I noticed something odd.  We were missing $150 out of our account that had been paid to a completely random source.  I called the Husband asking if he had recently bought something for $150?  Nope, wasn't him.  I knew it wasn't me either...

We both arrive home, completely perplexed, worried that someone had got a hold of our checking account information.  We were about to call the bank... when, we noticed, sitting in the mail box, a package.  The Husband watches as I quickly open the brown cardboard box... the suspense was killing us.  And what should be in the package?...  Yep, you guessed it... MORE BOOB CREME!

You see, when the husband had signed up for our "free trial", it also signed us up for a monthly subscription of the blasted boob creme.  We immediately canceled the subscription of the cursed creme, but we now have two giant tubs of boob goo sitting side by side beneath the bathroom sink.  

So, if you need a little perk... if you're dying to move up a cup size... or if you just plain want to risk your life by testing a possibly toxic creme on your bosom... you know who to come to.  Just call me, the Boob Creme Broker.